Living Beyond an Incurable Condition - Bahumi on Faith, Fame, and Lymphedema Ep.(12)

0:00 the day that you were diagnosed with lymphedema. Tell me about that moment where you found it out and my heart impacted.

0:05 So the day that I found out wasn't as bad as the journey leading up to that cuz I think now that I've gotten over

0:10 the fact that my leg isn't being amputated, I still had to deal with the fact that I have a condition that I'm

0:16 told is incurable. Steve Jobs, he was so one-dimensional at work, but only after he died that we

0:21 found out how bad his relationships were. Being so one-dimensional, so invested in his project is what helped

0:27 Apple become what it was. Yeah. Whether it's religious or not, faith is believing in something with a strong conviction. Whether you've seen

0:32 it my latest or not, right? For me, as soon as I established my faith and understood what my faith meant for me

0:39 was the very beginning of me understanding who I am. Boom. Today we're diving into I would

0:47 like to know the first time that you remember a headline or a comment reducing it just to your appearance.

0:53 Dang things I've been reduced to to a number

0:59 of things. Um I mean being reduced to my parents is um I feel like it was just an

1:05 add-on to all the things that I've been reduced to. I mean the first time I've been I remember being reduced was when I was

1:11 being reduced to just being like my parents' child for example like cuz my

1:17 parents are also in in in the um media industry. I a part of me feels like that

1:23 was probably the first time that I felt like a lack of identity and having to kind of come to terms with, okay, so this is what people will think of me.

1:31 But the worst part of it was the internalized um internalized identity struggle that I had to go through because I also believed that maybe

1:40 that was all I was. Mm hmm. That my parents' child, you know, um growing up, the kind of comments, the kinds of things that I would hear. That kind of

1:49 stuff was what I remember the most. Yeah. Um and then later on obviously like appearance and stuff like that also became

1:55 you know, big things. And you mentioned that you went through a stage where you kind of almost um got angry at God because of this

2:03 condition. Do you wanna talk me through that and how you came out the other side? So my journey of faith has been a very interesting one because I didn't

2:11 necessarily have um like a Christian upbringing. So, my um my dad wasn't really um like a Christian.

2:20 He just, he didn't really believe in that. Um, my mom was a Christian but not practicing. So, I had no like, there was no foundation of

2:28 Christianity. There was no foundation of faith for me. Um so I discovered it by myself. When I discovered it by myself, it was kind of like,

2:35 okay, this is who I am, this is what I believe in, this is what I want for my life. So when this condition came, I felt like, okay God, but I've been good. Like

2:44 I, I've, I came to you, I, I believed in you, I had faith, you know, I, I gave my life to you and this is how you reward me?

2:51 So for me it felt like, okay, but why, why did you do this to me? Like why did you allow this to happen to me?

2:57 And I think it was because I didn't fully understand the nature of God, I didn't fully understand the nature of faith. I didn't fully understand the nature of

3:05 of um believing and conviction. And because I didn't understand that I felt like okay but God is punishing me. Um and so I got angry.

3:14 I got very angry with God. I didn't wanna pray, I didn't wanna go to church, I didn't wanna do anything. I was just like you know what God? You and I we're not friends.

3:21 You know? Um but again as I as I walked through my faith journey and as I started understanding the nature of God and understanding who he is, I understood that

3:30 you know what, it's not God that gave me this condition, it's not God that punished me with this condition. Um and I think the

3:36 other thing is also that this condition could have been worse. You know? It could have been worse, it could have been the end of me, it could have been um something that

3:44 would have really destroyed me but it didn't. So for me it's a it's a it's a testimony of God's grace and it's a testimony of God's love for me and

3:52 I I learned to be grateful and I learned to have gratitude and I learned to you know be like okay God, I don't know why this happened but I trust you.

3:59 And I think that was the biggest turning point for me. The moment where I said God I don't know why this happened, I don't know why you allowed this to happen but I trust you.

4:07 That was the turning point of my life and my faith and everything. Mmm. That is powerful. Yeah. And what role does faith play in you

4:14 navigating every day now? Faith is my everything. Faith is my everything. Faith is my identity. Faith is who I am. It's not just a part of me. It is me. You know?

4:22 Um and I think that is what has kept me going. That is what has kept me um resilient. That is what has kept me strong. That is what has kept me believing in

4:30 in in life and and living. That is what has kept me um you know looking forward to tomorrow. Faith is who I am.

4:36 So powerful. Yeah. And now you are in the public eye as well which obviously adds extra challenges on top of just

4:42 having a chronic condition. Can you talk to me about the pressure that comes with that?

4:47 Fame doesn't mean that your condition goes away. Fame doesn't mean that your struggles go away. Fame just means that you now have the added pressure of

4:54 living your life in the public eye. Fame means that you now have the added pressure of having people constantly watch you, constantly judge you, constantly

5:02 look at you and constantly make comments about you. Fame doesn't mean that you get healed. Fame just means that you now have an added responsibility

5:09 of living your life authentically and living your life truthfully and living your life um with with conviction.

5:15 Fame doesn't heal you. Fame doesn't change your reality. Fame just adds to it. And I think that is what people don't understand.

5:22 That is what people don't see. People just see the fame and they think oh my gosh, she's healed, she's fine, she's doing well. But the truth is behind closed doors,

5:29 I'm still struggling, behind closed doors, I'm still crying, behind closed doors, I'm still you know fighting the battle of my life.

5:36 But the difference is that I have to wake up the next morning and put on makeup and put on a smile and act like everything is fine because I am in the public eye.

5:42 and that is a very heavy burden to carry. It's a very heavy thing to live with. But I also think that it's also a privilege because it forces you to be authentic, it forces you to be real, it forces you to be truthful. And I think that is what my faith has really taught me, is that I cannot live a double life, I cannot live a life that is one thing in the public and another thing in private. I have to live a life that is consistent, that is authentic, that is true.

5:55 And that is what I strive for every day, to live a life that is consistent, authentic, and true to who I am. Not to what people expect of me, not to what people think of me, but to who I am. And that is the greatest challenge but also the greatest privilege of being in the public eye with a condition like this.

6:02 Tell me about that time you were where were you where you're not saying the specific doctor but like you know facing diagnosis and symptoms. Tell me about that moment where you found it out and how it impacted you.

6:12 So this was in high school. I was in grade 8. Um so I was 14 years old. I'm 13 now. I remember I think I was playing soccer. Well, soccer or something. This part I'm going to skim through, but I was playing a game and I kicked a brick cuz clearly I can't take any any sports of any kind. Um, and then I so I got injured and we didn't think it was that that deep, but a few days went by and the pain, you know, uh, remained and there was a bit of swelling on my ankle.

6:32 Eventually went to a physio. Physio did her thing and then the swelling just kind of decreased a little bit, right? But I think it never really went bad to um what it was, but this was just on my ankle. Um and then it was it was such a gradual shift that when I started telling my parents, yo, I think my leg is bigger.

6:44 Yeah. The other one, they were like, no, it's not. You're being dramatic. I'm like, no. And of course, I know my own body. Yeah. So, I'm like, no, it's it's definitely bigger. It just wasn't significantly bigger. I'm like, I can see it's a weird, you know. Yeah. Just tell something isn't right. Yeah. And they were just like, "No, you're being dramatic."

6:57 And so I think it was about maybe 6 months later where they could actually see a significant difference. So it was a very very gradual I I guess process, growing process and then eventually you started seeing doctors and doctors didn't know what it was. In fact, some of them just said, "It will go down. Don't worry. Maybe it's just a tri just triggered by this recent injury, etc." And it was only a year later that we got a diagnosis.

7:14 So I was going back and forth trying to see cuz and cuz within this year and now it was like significantly bigger and were worried that it was just going to keep getting bigger and bigger and bigger and they didn't know what was making it big. And then I found out um uh at a at a hospital at a public hospital funny enough cuz I've been to 5 million private hospitals and they couldn't tell me what the issue was.

7:26 And um it's actually quite interesting. The journey to me finding out was tougher than the day that I actually found out cuz I think on the day I actually found out I was relieved that I knew what it was and I was relieved that they didn't have to amputate it. I think that was just I was I was panicking until that time. I'm actually now feeling a little emotional just thinking about it. I never you ask me questions I've never processed. Now that I think about it, it's it's pretty Yeah, I know. I don't ask myself this stuff and I know they're simple but um yeah so the day that I found out um it was just again maybe just the focus thing right cuz I'm focused so much on not losing my leg that hearing that I have lympadeema was like oh okay so we're good everything is fine um yeah so so finding out wasn't as bad as the journey leading up to that and of course it wasn't as bad as now having to live with it cuz I think now that I've gotten over the fact that my legs have been amputated. I still had to deal with the fact that I have um a condition that I'm told is incurable and what I was like 15 at the time. uh which sucked because you know I I I couldn't not that I couldn't I could but my my esteem wouldn't allow me to participate in certain things at school and things like net for example I took a while before I actually started participating in it cuz I didn't want you know the shame I would hide a lot I would wear dresses with jeans people really question my my fashion sense and I' I'd rather have them question my fashion sense than have them question my leg.

9:04 So for people who don't know what is lymphedema and how does it manifest. Lymphedema? Well, I was diagnosed with what they call lymphedema preox, meaning that it happened, apparently was bound to happen, but it just happened before it was meant to. Um, and the injury may have triggered it, right? Um, and it essentially um a swelling of some area of your body. For me, it was my right leg.

9:23 Um, and it's pretty much caused by it's it's it's a venal issue. either your lymph nodes um aren't working properly or they blocked um or you know there's just something there's just an issue within your veins that causes a lot of excess fluids to pretty much remain instead of flow through flow um to to the to the to the notes and then because they're there pretty much then spills out into that area and it just remains there and so the longer it stays there the harder it becomes and it becomes sometimes it can even become like a gel if you don't you know do enough um massages, exercises, things like that. So, yeah, that's pretty much the condition. Um they say it's incurable. Um it's just something that you have to manage. It's very painful from time to time.

10:21 What does the pain feel like? It feels like there's something on you. Um like a heavy weight on you and then if you like maybe try to get up, it still follows you. Um, yeah, it's it's it's tough to move your joints. It just feels very stiff. Would you say it's painful as in painful in the sense that, you know, if you get a laceration, it's like a shooting pain or is it like a pulsating pain or is it more like a a really uncomfortable feeling that kind of ferments into what that pain might look like as just discomfort?

10:48 It I think it starts off as discomfort. So you're first really uncomfortable and if you don't do something about it, it starts to feel like pain. So again, maybe if if someone or something is is on your lap and it's heavy, it's first uncomfortable and then after a while it's like, okay, this is really sore now. It's pressing in on on this area and so you have to do something about it, remove it. So I that's really good example of me trying to understand how that that might feel like. Yeah.

11:16 Now this obviously I mean a year is a long time to deal with something not knowing what that is at this time. I'm sure your parents are trying to figure or help and figure out you'd go into all these different clinics. What did that support look like from the pads?

11:28 I think so. They really tried their hardest in trying to find different doctors and help, etc. It's it's it's a very tough um thing to really explain and I think it's because my parents tried what I'd like to believe their hardest was their hardest to figure out what the problem was. But because it's not something that seems as tragic or, you know, fatal as an illness that we know, you only have maybe like 2 months to to sort it out before something really detrimental cancer or whatever. I think they they they pretty much treated it like everybody else treats me to be quite honest with this condition. It's like they go, "Okay, we have to find out what it is, but just sit down. You're fine when you sit down, right? Okay. So, we can wait maybe like 2 months or so. Okay. You know what I mean?

12:28 So this whole thing on on on being reduced, being reduced. Oh, okay. Um, yeah, like it it it I feel like it's it's just been like a like a like a prevalent thing in in various aspects of my life. Um, so, you know, and and and with this as well, like I I I just felt like like I wasn't I personally wasn't being heard. So, I don't know how what they were going through cuz again, we've never really discussed this, but I just never felt like I was being um heard or or attended to um as urgently as I would as I would have liked to on various funds, parents, doctors, the world.

13:22 So if Bahumi now 30 can go back to Bahumi at 14 and help her walk through that year knowing only at the end of the year you find out what it is. Yeah. What what are you doing? How you how you helping your younger self through this process? And what would you do? Well, I guess how would you do it differently?

13:41 I wouldn't invalidate her pain when she says she's in pain. I would hear her out. I would try to, I don't know, like just walk her through the process as best as possible. So, if one avenue doesn't work, I'd probably be one of those like really paranoid maybe caregivers or whatever, just like not sleeping at night trying to figure out what yeah. Like relentless. Yeah. You know, cuz to be quite honest, like that's who she was. Um, of course you didn't have like we don't have the internet as as we have it now. But I remember like I would constantly go to the library and find out like and there was nothing like cuz again what do I type just type big leg and then I'd get like you know a different condition or whatever you know and but like what they described was not what I would see here.

14:27 And so, um, I get, of course, I can imagine it it it it being a tough journey, but I think I would just try my best to just sit with her and, um, tell her that I'm here for her and that's not in this by herself. Yeah. And that she's not in this by herself, you know, and that even when I can't find a solution, just to reassure her that it it I haven't pushed it under the rug, that it's still something that I'm priority. So, yeah.

14:59 Look, lymphedema is obviously a very difficult one with you. So this is something I actually don't know. So I would like to know does it tend to only manifest in your legs or does it manifest in other areas of the body as well?

15:06 Um with other people so for me. So it depends. So it depends on okay. It depends. It's predominantly the leg and the arms. Okay. The the legs I can understand. I this is unrelated to lymphedema in general but if I think about someone who has diabetes the first place where untreated diabetes manifests is in the legs as well. So the reason that like in diabetes if you go if it goes untreated why it manifests in your legs first is because your body protects the essentials first the brain the like the upper body and so the first time you start feeling tingling in your foot is because you that's where your your nerves are starting to go to die cuz that's where it's letting it happen. Yeah.

15:45 I am by no means a doctor and I've explained this clinically but practically that's what happens and I don't know whether this is the same thing with lymphedema and why one feels it in the legs first. Yeah given that lymphedema is something that first of all it has the ability to incapacitate you to an extent but also manifests visually. Yeah. If I think about actors, musicians, some of them have asthma, depression, anything that's inside the body, it's internal. It doesn't it's not something that's being visually displayed to the public. How has that impacted your acting career?

16:23 impacted your acting career? I mean, thank God it hasn't really stopped me from pursuing, you know, uh, whatever role. Um, and my agent and I have pretty much taken the the avenue that, you know, we'll cross that bridge when we get to it. Um, and thankfully I've never been rejected or dismissed because of because of the the condition. Um, however, I personally, especially once I've gotten the role, I personally can't help but think that it's something that's in the back of people's minds and the I mean the only thing with that the the part that affects is you know just the logistical side of things like okay so how are we going to be covering it? Are we going to, you know, like the equivalent is like someone falls pregnant in the moon. Yeah. And like they now don't have a standing or they put a pillow in front of her, she wears a big jacket. Yeah. Um Yeah. stuff like that.

17:18 There was a role um that I that I got and I mean firstly just this role in this entire production itself was just I don't even know why I decided to to continue on in this production. But they they didn't really treat it um with the sensitivity that I would have hoped they did. I think for them it was just a matter of okay, well, we're sticking to what we said we're going to and I don't blame them maybe from a from a planning perspective, but it it wasn't things that you we couldn't rug around because we've done it many times. Um but there was a time where, you know, they were like, "Okay, she's going to wear a skirt cuz you say she's going to wear a skirt." And um I remember saying to them, "Okay, but just in terms of like narrative, does this does this character this is not even part of the the character story. Um unless you're going to cuz people are going to all of a sudden start asking questions and it's going to take away from you know cuz Bahumi is the one who's dealing with lymphedema, not this character. So do you really want that to happen?"

18:11 And yeah, the the the director was just very dismissive like Yeah, he's just very dismissive about it. Um, and lo and behold, they recorded it that way. I felt very very insecure doing it. Um, and again, I think I would have been fine with it if I knew that the character if if it fit the character story. And also, hold on. And you chose that role, right? Because it didn't that role wasn't chosen that way. Yeah. Before they made the decision. Were you at that point already open about the situation or were you still very much trying to keep it under wraps?

18:52 Um, I was open. Um, but I I didn't want people to find out that way. So, I was open about it in my immediate space or if you meet me and you know, I wouldn't try to hide it. But it wasn't something that I'd publicized. And so, if I'm at the last place that I would want to publicize it is in a role where I want people to see my acting capabilities or, you know, my performance and all people are concentrating on is this girl's big leg, as they would say, you know. Yeah. It's not very empowering. No, it it's a very that's the perfect way to put it. I felt I felt really really small. Oh, yeah. I felt reduced again. Um that Yeah, I felt I felt reduced again. I felt uh like my craft is just belittled again. People were not seeing me or what I could do. They were just mocking like on Twitter. They're just mocking the fact that this actor or this person now has like, you know, a random uh big leg and and and that's how they would put it. Like they don't, you know what I mean?

19:58 So the people are very insensitive to to things like that. So I would have liked at least to to treat it with the sensitivity that that it required and I felt like I was robbed of that in that moment. When I when I talk to you, I kind of get that that might be a common theme where in your life actually it's a common theme for your life where you never had the option to make the decision yourself. Yeah. You It wasn't your decision. This is obviously more of a conversation for the next podcast that we're going to do, but it's not you. It wasn't your decision to be born to family's parents. It wasn't your decision, you know, to well for this to be the way that they we make it publicly aware, you know. How do you now kind of reconcile that? You know, do have you now set new boundaries going forward? Do you are you is that something you're trying to work on at the moment? How do you actually set boundaries in a space like this?

20:46 in the next part, sure. But just briefly, I it's it's it's part of why I restarted my I want to say entire life on social media. I felt as though, you know, my previous life or or or how I was before on social media was very much foundation on everybody else's perspectives, expectations. Um, many

21:04 people followed me because of who my parents were. Uh, many people followed me because of the life I seem to portray as well. Um, I didn't have much direction as well. I think I was just going with the wind. Um,

21:16 let me say no direction. Who Who do you who did you expect to give me direction? It's a good one. Thanks, Sensei. Uh,

21:28 well, uh, that's a good question. See, I never I never asked myself that at the time. I think I it wasn't so much even asking

21:41 myself who did I expect to give me direction, but I guess I was hoping that I'll find the direction along the way. you know just play whatever cards and then you know see where they lead me see that the stars align. Were your parents

22:01 the first gen like I say first generation famous like were they the first people that so people you have before that was famous as well cuz I mean for us people that are not famous what is there no DIY toolkit that they can help you follow to maybe give you some direction you know no I would have liked that

22:18 cuz it it would make sense that the people that come before you that have have this would kind of help you there you know no they didn't want me to be famous if you get but I mean it was inevitable though yeah yeah that

22:29 how can you not when when you when you when you broadcast the wedding or when you I mean funny funny the funniest thing about you right this is the funniest thing about you is that when we started working together I knew nothing about you

22:39 I know yeah and even researching for this I'm still like what is all this shit's crazy

22:45 and then I'm on show I'm like what okay all right so like clearly I live under a rock is what I'm learning but yeah so I'm like I didn't even know

22:57 where I was going with Was there no road map? I think Oh, yeah. There's no road map. Yeah. So, I'm like thinking like surely, you know, if it's tough for me to think that, okay, they didn't want you to be famous.

23:07 If you entire structure is set up for that and then I mean, okay, you want to be famous. Why why are you filming at the house? Why are they having a broadcaster wedding if they like you want to keep the family out of it? I think about I think about um Ryan

23:20 Gosling and Ava Menddees who moved to Canada. So, we don't I have no idea what the the children do or whatever it is, but they completely remove themselves from the spot. Like, it's a huge it's a huge difference. You know, it's so interesting that you mentioned

23:32 them because I I I remember I kept asking myself, you know, I know I know Eva Mandez, I know Ryan, but I I I don't know anything about them and I wonder why. But but I remember I kept on saying to myself, I would love that. And then, you know, then now he's telling me this. Um, yeah. So, welcome. They they didn't really give me a a blueprint or a map of of some kind.

23:53 Look, I don't I don't say this to be Christ or or or or to um disrespect my parents in any way, but um I think we have three generations of fame, me being the third in my family, but they're each so different that it's pretty tough to

24:10 to guide the next. So with my grandparents for example, they were famous around the apartheid era and then maybe post after that you know like yeah post for for for for a moment. There wasn't social media. There wasn't uh you know maybe like a lot of well we don't

24:28 have much paparazzi here but you know like uh tabloids and all this. Um so they didn't I wouldn't they wouldn't even be able to even guide my my dad. Yeah. Where that now that is the new thing. Yeah. Where that now is the new thing.

24:40 And then with my parents, I definitely think that they they could have um played a bit bigger role in in guiding me, especially since, you know, our generations with everything has moved faster. Mhm.

24:53 Um, but I also think, you know, as an artist, it's very difficult to not be, again, I say this very carefully, but like I think as an artist, it's very difficult for you to not be so, I guess, consumed in your own piece

25:11 of work or your own craft because you're you're out here trying to uh build or grow the reputation or whatever. And I think I I I I like to believe that that was, you know, the case with my parents. Um and I think it worked for them and to their detriment. And I um I think it definitely worked for them in a sense

25:30 that um you know, because again, they just have consumed what they're doing that they they they got the success that they did. But um and this is nothing uncommon. Um a lot of public figures are often so much, you know, they're so focused in the work. They're very one-dimensional. Yeah. And I think a key

25:48 they don't really recognize how it how it affects those around them. Yeah. And and a proponent of success is being one-dimensional. So you know obviously in the film industry is different or in acting or in fame I want to bucket the word fame because the difference is that okay now we see the impact of your one what it's like to be one-dimensional on what happens around you. It's different with people that are I think

26:11 about business leaders, you know, um Steve Jobs is maybe an example where he was so one-dimensional with work, but it's only after he died that we found out how bad his relationships were, you know, and how his family suffered and like Yeah. but it it was his being so one-dimensional and so invested in like in in his project is what helped Apple become what it was. Yeah. Now, that's a double-edged sword. But, you know, being being put in the

26:37 spotlight to us eating that meal of whatever's going on in your guys' lives, you know, it's different. It's different than someone who's in business, for example, or an athlete. We don't actually know what's what's going on in their private lives. Yeah. Um, but I think the part the part that I want to get to with this with

26:54 with your life, your life within especially you spoke about how you have changed I don't want to say your identity but I want to say that you've not cuz I'd say rebranding yourself it takes away from like the the weight of how you're now moving into a more faith-based Bahumi

27:07 a role in you dealing and living with lymphedema. to say it's played a role is reducing faith in itself. I think um I'm gonna sound corny and say that it is the role. Um it um you mentioned identity there

27:23 and I and and I I I strongly believe that faith isn't something that we should segment or you know something that we should compartmentalize cuz once faith whether it's religious or not faith is believing in something with a strong conviction whether whether you've seen it manifest or not right and I

27:48 think that belief is who you are I don't think that belief is is a part of you um and that's why I don't understand when people for example would say that they believe something but they do something completely different. Your belief is who you are. You manifest as your belief. Um and so for me as soon as I established

28:06 my faith and understood what my faith meant for me was the very beginning of me understanding who I am. I have a strong belief in my God. I have a strong belief in my faith. Um, and it's because

28:19 of that that things like the lymphedema, the parents, the fang, etc. don't really inform my identity, you know, they're a part of it. I don't want to pretend, you know, like like they're not there and then, you know, just trivialize them, you know. Uh but my faith or my belief

28:42 informs how I how I approach those things or how I react to those things or how I respond respond to those things. Um they don't shape what I do anymore. And I think that's why I'm able to not hide the lymphedema anymore. Now I'm not again an ode to not making lymphedema

29:01 become my my identity. I'm not out here saying oh I'm a lymphedema advocate or whatever because I think that's another way of because people will think that in so doing they are now living in their true identity and you know and I'm not again no no no shade to people who do advocate for for things like that but I think um for me when I started to really

29:25 understand my faith and understand why I choose to believe the things that I believe it really shaped how I receive good and

29:36 bad news and receive hate and love. Um, I appreciate the love for what it is, but I don't I don't embody it as my identity and I analyze the hate for whatever it is and I decide what to take and what not to take from it. Same with the conditions, you know. So, why don't

29:54 you give me some more specific some some specific faith principles that you've kind of learned from or that you lean on. Um, if it's verses,

30:05 I'd like to get something a lot more concrete that we can if you have people listening in and they were looking for inspiration that they can say this was something really helped Bahumi

30:19 if you don't have it, it's also fine. Was one just wondering if you had something a bit more um like principle based and something you lean on because when you say I don't let negative comments affect me, what in

30:31 your faith is helping you do that? You know, what do you what are you princ what principle in your faith you leaning on that helps you do that? Yeah. Jesus. And see the thing is I'm

30:42 I'm I'm always so careful even though I know it probably shouldn't be but I'm also careful when I say that cuz believers in in in God or you know I want to say whatever

30:53 form of dating no matter what people believe in but um often they reduce um certain people or or who they believe in to just a very um corny simplified statement. Right? But um for me when I say that I say that in the sense of

31:13 knowing for me that he is God um and that this God who loves me so much that he risked his life is even so so

31:29 it's it's again very reductive if you keep using that word right. Um, but he would lit he literally died for me because he loves me and he cares for me. And this person is God. So if literally

31:43 the God of the universe or the multiverse literally risked his life and I and I say that I believe that if I truly believe that then nothing else will truly matter. And

31:56 I think that's what I rest on. It's of course I'm a human being. and I live in this, you know, very fickle world and I feel things and but that's my true north. That's literally again because I say that I believe that. If I didn't believe that, then it's just a bumper sticker that I put on my no I'm like, oh, you know, but because I

32:13 believe that then I'm like, okay, then it informs every other thing that I do. And that's why I don't give a hoot's ass. Sorry Jesus, you know, about um what people say or

32:24 people think, the lymphedema, etc. It's there. I'm not again minimizing it, but it doesn't play as big of a role as it did because I believe in what I believe in. In prepping for this this conversation, and I kind of want to leave it there,

32:38 but leave with a good takeaway is I think there was a certain verse in the Bible that I really I think resonated a lot with you when I was reading it. I'm like, man, I read this. I think a lot about behavior here and it was the whole idea that as it's in Corinthians if you want to find the exact verse but principally it means what it says is

32:56 that weakness isn't a failure it's where grace flows so it's idea of leaving living in that if you want to say vulnerability that's where the magic happens and when I think about your story especially lymphedema being a chapter not the story it This is another one of those examples where I could see that play out. But I really appreciate

33:22 you being on this podcast and talking about it today. I know we touched on it. Hope you didn't get too deep.

33:28 No, we didn't. Um, I'm glad you asked the things that you asked. I think just for me for my own sake um you gave me a lot to introspect about and I as much as you don't think that you went deep or you didn't go deep enough I think you've definitely started a conversation within you and I hope that you get to do that with other people as well Nice. Nice.