“Cancer Changed How People Treated Me” Nikitta's Cancer Journey (Ep 15) Part 2 of 5

(0:00) Suddenly this situation that's deeply personal to you is manifesting in your external and you can't (0:06) go into a room, everything is positively evil. You feel so vulnerable because you don't speak (0:10) about it, you don't actively go, hi my name is Nikita and I have cancer. I went into the meeting, (0:16) I explained my situation, I apologized for what I'm putting the team through, but I said I'm (0:22) going to work my one month's notice period, I'll do my handover and the lady told me, (0:28) please pack all your belongings and leave the premise. We had the conversation, (0:37) my husband, myself and the two girls sat down and we spoke about it and (0:45) my middle one, Leila, you know she's feisty, I was very emotional telling them, it was so hard, (0:57) it took me a few tries to actually have this conversation and get it all out and she's like, (1:03) okay, thank you for telling us, mommy, can I go play now? And for me, I actually had to laugh, (1:08) I'm like, you know, they're so innocent. They don't know this mountain you just climbed. (1:15) Exactly, but I think at the same time, we often forget that at that moment they might not be (1:22) working through it, but it takes time for them to, you know, to work through. (1:26) How did your husband handle it? (1:30) Sure, that was a tough period. So, my husband doesn't handle somebody else going through pain (1:37) or going through something where he can't help. If you've got a broken, I don't know, roof or (1:46) something, he knows how to fix it and make it better, but in this case, he struggled, I could (1:54) see, he would constantly check in, but at the same time be very distant. So, we struggled with (2:06) that quite a bit. I don't think, and I didn't know how to help him as well, because we didn't know (2:13) anyone else that went through cancer to chat about, you know, the experience that somebody (2:19) on the outside goes through. Explain what you mean by he was distant. (2:23) In a sense, for example, doctor visits, he struggled to go to doctor visits with me. So, (2:31) when I came being pregnant, I think because you're creating life, it was something exciting to see. (2:38) So, he would come with for the scans, he would look at the scans and try to see if it's a boy or (2:43) a girl and greet the nurses. He was happy chappy, you know, looking through the hospital, but when (2:52) it came to the cancer, I would even say he tried to avoid having to go with me. (3:01) How would you have liked him to be there? (3:04) By being him. So, what drew me to him when I met him was, he's a very bubbly guy, (3:14) he loves making jokes. I don't always laugh at all the jokes, but, you know, as cringe as the (3:21) dad jokes are, it helps through certain situations. I mean, this man offered me KFC after I gave birth (3:29) to the second one, thinking that that would be funny and help me. But looking at it now, (3:34) it is funny. You know, I can laugh about it now. And I just wish that just by him being him and (3:42) not, let's just say when you get diagnosed with cancer, people tiptoe around you. You can sense (3:48) people are so careful about what they say, what they do. They're constantly checking in, in a (4:02) sense of, are you okay? But not being themselves. So no cracking jokes and also not sharing happy (4:10) news. A friend of mine was pregnant and she didn't tell me because she felt that it wasn't (4:18) appropriate of her telling me her good news while I'm going through something like that. And, you know, (4:26) I wish people weren't as cautious as they were around me to let me be normal and normalise. (4:36) You know, it's difficult because I can understand both sides, (4:40) us being on the other side. I can understand not wanting to share good news (4:44) because you feel guilty to have good news when we know that you're going through it right now. (4:51) But at the same time, maybe one doesn't realise that just being, sharing good news, you know, (5:00) let's play this through. Maybe let's play this through because I think maybe this is the (5:04) misconception. You feel you have good news. Something happens, you're pregnant. This is (5:10) something I would love to share with you, for example. Now, I don't want to share with you (5:14) because I feel like, man, this is such a great moment in my life. I'm so happy. But I know (5:20) you're currently going through a process where it's just so tough. And I don't think I would, (5:28) I don't think the feeling is, oh, she might be jealous or she might be... I think the feeling (5:32) is that one worries you would hear that good news and it would make your news feel worse. (5:44) That's how I, if I think I had to package it in an experience, like, you know, your situation (5:51) relative to my situation right now, it feels worse now because things are good for me. (5:55) And that's what one tries to protect from you, you know? Or one, or I can imagine that's what (6:06) someone, that's why we do that inadvertently. What do you think about that? (6:12) I get it because I've done it myself where I withhold news because of what the next person (6:19) is going through. I honestly believe that we need to start owning our experiences, (6:26) whether that's good or bad. And this comes down to also, our experiences are so different. (6:33) You, we could be going through the exact same thing, but you could be experiencing it on a (6:39) different level than I am. And this is the reason why I was (6:48) bent on how to be as cheerful as possible. I kept on telling myself, I need to be positive (6:58) because if I'm not positive, people will feel that they need to feed off my energy and feel (7:05) sad with me, or they need to worry about me. And that, for me, felt so much worse because I felt (7:13) like I was taking, I was sucking the positivity out of other people. (7:18) Every time you go into a room, the mood dampens. And like, suddenly this situation that's deeply (7:28) personal to you is manifesting in your external environment and you can't go into a room, (7:33) everything is positive anymore. So that's shit. Especially when you have people with good (7:40) intentions that, and I don't want to ever take away from somebody wanting to help, (7:48) but everyone has an opinion as well. So when you go and attend, for example, a family gathering, (7:57) that's the topic of discussion. Everyone has something of, did you try this? Did you do this? (8:02) My friend went through this, they did this and this. As much as it's, (8:07) I know people trying to help, but that wasn't that main aim of having that family gathering. (8:13) And it takes away from, it just consumes you. And that for me was very difficult, is I wish, (8:22) just as I said, the sense of normality, you know, when people would check in, (8:27) and this comes down to also accepting help. I think if I can give advice that I've learned, (8:34) which is still difficult to this date for me, to this day, is accepting help. (8:42) I struggle, I really struggle with that. But it is so important. There's one day that (8:53) stood out to me. I went to fetch my middle one from kindergarten. And I had just returned from (9:04) Switzerland to see doctors there. So parents stayed in Switzerland and I was struggling with (9:11) the treatments here in South Africa. And as I walked in, these moms surrounded me. I have, (9:19) I didn't even know the names of most of the moms. And they're like, Nikita, (9:26) we are here. You've been going through this by yourself. I didn't know these ladies from a bar (9:33) of soap in here. They're like, you know what, take a break. I'm going to fetch your daughter (9:37) and drop her off. We'll take turns over the next few weeks. So you can relax and, (9:45) you know, focus on the doctor visits. And the other mom was like, I'm going to prepare some (9:51) meals. What are your dietary requirements? And I mean, I didn't know these moms. I've never (9:57) even went for coffee with them. But here, they were all surrounding me and wanting to help and (10:04) saying, you know, we hear you need to speak up. Don't go through this alone. And it was such a (10:13) beautiful moment, but also you feel so vulnerable because you don't speak about it. (10:18) You don't actively go, hi my name is Nikita and I have cancer. You know, it's not a thing that you (10:23) do. Like when do you bring up a topic like that? How would you differentiate that with (10:30) closer family and friends that try to help on their terms, but wasn't giving you what you needed? (10:39) So that's a tough question. I do believe that everyone tried to help in their own way. (10:48) I think it was more difficult to accept help from people closer to me than it was from strangers. (10:53) I don't know why, but I just felt easier for a stranger to help than somebody close to me. (11:04) And perhaps one of the reasons is because I was usually the one that helped others. (11:10) And here I was actually the one needing help, but not being able to say how I need help. (11:17) I honestly didn't know what I wanted or needed at that time. (11:22) I think I'm thinking back, even speaking about this, it's complicated because (11:27) we've now had a few points and I think I still, (11:33) I still don't know how we would fit in, in the story, you know, like you want to be helpful. (11:41) Are they objectively speaking? Here's what I'm hearing because of your identity within the (11:46) family, you being the person that was the caretaker, the situation throws that identity (11:54) into complete disarray. Now in your family, everyone is trying to be that for you. (12:03) And by doing that, it further threatens your identity as the person that was the caretaker. (12:10) But here you have a group of individuals that do not know you and your position in the family and (12:15) therefore are removed and do not threaten your identity. I mean, that's how I would process it. (12:25) And I think my takeaway is that if you are watching this and trying to figure out where do you sit, (12:32) how you can help in your role, I think trying to understand how a person sees themself (12:40) would be a great step in seeing how you can continue supporting them, to continue supporting (12:49) them in that way, supporting that version of that identity that they, how they see themself. (12:54) I'm not articulating it right, but I know someone that understands what I'm saying. (12:58) Would you feel that that makes sense as a... 100%. It actually, you saying it actually (13:07) puts it into perspective. 100%. It's, yeah, wow. I couldn't have even said it better. (13:17) Here's a part that I don't know much about, and I really want to talk about this because I do (13:21) remember bits of it and it'd been very infuriating, but let's go back to when you were prime over life (13:29) on a focus on the work side of things. These two weeks at home, you know, oftentimes one doesn't (13:37) think about this, but you find out there's devastating information. You don't have the (13:42) ability to process it all in one day, but you know, work expects you there the next day. (13:48) You know, they also don't know what's going on, but what, how did that work out? (13:53) So I recall that, I don't know if it was the same day or the next day, I did contact (14:02) the big boss of the department, of my line manager, (14:07) and told her that I was going through this and what was the process? What, what do I do? (14:17) So she had told me, no, not to worry, she'll let my line manager know, (14:20) and I need to take as much time as I needed. So I did take those two weeks at home. (14:28) When I came back to the office, the challenge was that the line manager (14:37) had disclosed the information to my colleagues. I don't think it was done maliciously, (14:48) but I was hoping to go to work and just be normal because that was my safe space, (14:58) or I thought that would be my safe space where nobody knows about anything. I can just, (15:04) you know, be Nikita again after a two week break. (15:08) So there were a lot of questions and people constantly checked in, are you okay? (15:15) Do you need anything? If I was working on a certain campaign that was a bit stressful, (15:22) immediately the colleagues would come and say, can we take that over? (15:25) Is this maybe a bit too stressful for you? So it sort of took away from what I was good at, (15:31) at the time. When I started going for treatment, when I first went for my operation, (15:43) it was my operation first, but it took almost a month to get an appointment for the operation, (15:49) which was really frustrating because here I am urging that I need this thing cut out. (15:56) And the doctor was actually not going to be available for the next six months. (16:02) And I phoned the receptionist a good couple of times, actually cried on the phone as well, (16:10) saying, I've got two small kids, I can't die. At that time, I thought I was still dying (16:18) and that I didn't have much time left. And there was a cancellation and they were able to (16:24) fit me in sooner. So I needed to take time off work. And I had told work that I'm going to be (16:34) back within the week after my operation. I thought, you know, I'm going to get over, (16:39) I'm going to come back. I was running on some super cool campaigns that I had started from (16:45) scratch. It was looking amazing. And I think just the thought of having to hand over all that work (16:52) and weeks of preparation to just somebody else and not seeing the launch of it scared me because (17:02) that was my baby. It's like control was just being taken away. And I didn't like that feeling (17:08) because when I came to work, that was something that I knew I was good at and that I had (17:14) complete control over. I didn't manage to get back to work a week later. So I had to hand it over. (17:23) When I got back and sort of went back to normal, but that was time for me to start my (17:31) treatments. And because of the time that I was off after the diagnosis with the operation, (17:39) I don't recall how long I was off after the operation. And now with the treatment, (17:45) because I had to take radioactive iodine, I would have to go into isolation (17:50) and can't be in contact with anyone for a bit. My line manager at the time had approached me and (18:00) asked me now that I decided to take holiday in the middle of all the work that's going on, (18:07) which is not, in other words, convenient at that time. (18:13) When am I deciding to be back at work? And I, it hurt. It hurt for somebody to be (18:23) that insensitive to what I was going through. And here I was trying to make sure my work wasn't (18:32) impacted in any way. You know, I was still answering emails, phone calls whenever they (18:38) needed me throughout this process. And I could sense the annoyance at what I was coming with, (18:48) with my issue of having cancer. It made me feel small, like I had no power left at all (18:56) for somebody to feel that type of anger towards me, where I was so helpless with the situation. (19:05) I even considered at that time, which I know is crazy now, if I think back, (19:11) but I was going to push my treatment out just to be there for those specific campaigns, (19:17) not to feel that I was inconveniencing the team. (19:23) And I did speak to my doctor about it at the time and said, listen, it's a really bad time. (19:29) Can you please, you know, push this back? And he, he said, yes, we can, but you shouldn't. (19:39) He literally said, my child, you're going to push back work. You're going to find yourself (19:46) with work again. You're going to feel the exact same way that you feel now and your (19:50) health is not going to have improved. So he's like, work on yourself and your health first, (19:57) because you are compromising this for the future. And after leaving his office, (20:04) I tried to figure out what is more important at that time. Is it work or is it studies? (20:09) Because the way I started feeling after the operation and hearing the side effects from (20:15) the treatment, I wasn't sure if I'm going to be able to handle both. And I needed to, (20:22) I told myself I have to give up one of them. And the next day I resigned. I put in my notice, (20:34) my one month notice that I decided to pursue my studies and sort out my health and prioritize that. (20:46) The feedback I got on the day that I resigned was, and it still shocks me to this day. (20:56) I went into the meeting, I explained my situation. I apologized for what I'm putting the team (21:03) through, but I said, I'm going to work my one month's notice period. I'll do my hand over. (21:11) And the lady told me, please pack all your belongings, hand in your access card and (21:19) leave the premise. And I was so taken back. I'm like, what do you mean? I still have one month. (21:26) She's like, no, I want you to leave today. You don't have to come back. (21:32) And within the next 10 minutes, I was out of that building with (21:38) my pictures that I had on my desk. And that was it. And it, you know, you invest so much time (21:49) in a company, you feel like you're an asset, you know, you, nobody will get rid of you because (21:56) you're good at what you're doing. And in the blink of an eye, you lose it. You feel like you (22:03) were just a number in that organization. And that hurt me deeply, was one with what I was going (22:11) through, that there was no compassion to it. And I'm not saying people should get sort of (22:17) that sympathy card because you're going through something, everyone goes through something. (22:23) But there was no sense of empathy or support during that time at all. It was just, it was easy (22:32) for them to get rid of me because of what I was going through then being there to support me. (22:38) That must have been very difficult or very isolating. There's a theme that's come up a few (22:45) times now that I think I could never appreciate until now is just how much one craves just some (22:59) normalcy. That if I can just escape this situation, you know, there's just an area in your (23:07) life where you can just not, not be the cancer Nikita now. Yeah, it's Nikita. I don't think I (23:13) appreciated just how dramatically one needs that. And I think it's something I think I'll (23:20) be more considerate of in the future when I think about someone else's situation that, (23:27) you know, you don't always just want to be the person that's going through it right now. (23:34) And it sucks that you could never have that because everywhere you were going, you once (23:38) again, just find yourself back into having to explain your situation. It's tough. It's awful (23:45) to hear that Nikita. I'm sorry that you had to go through that. That really sucks. Thank you. (23:51) And I might sound crazy now, but I'm actually really grateful for that. I'm also grateful (24:00) that not that I got sick and that I had cancer, but that I went through an experience that (24:08) actually made me appreciate everything so much more. And there's a picture in my mind (24:21) that when I'm going through a really tough time, always comes back a memory that I have. So (24:27) I went for my first dose of the radioactive iodine and it's such an isolating experience (24:37) because nobody can be around you. You can't even have normal cutlery or anything because (24:42) you have to throw everything away. Daniela came to visit me and she was a bit long. (24:49) She came to visit me, but she overstayed the time length and it was actually, I think she had to sit (24:54) at the door. Whoever visited me had to stay at the door. But she was a few minutes longer and (24:59) the nurse was so upset. She chased her out of there. But as much as I might have shared that (25:09) being radioactive, it was nice to have company. The side effects were awful. The doctors really (25:17) downplayed it because they're like, no, you know, because they compared it to chemo. (25:23) And I've seen people go through chemo and what I've seen is awful that people go through it. (25:31) The side effects are really bad. But again, same as saying that thyroid cancer is the best type of (25:39) cancer to have came to the treatment as well. You're getting the best type of treatment because (25:45) it has the least amount of side effects. And to me, that wasn't the case. I was in so much of pain. (25:53) I had so much nausea. My body, I didn't want to be in my body during that time. (26:02) But I went through it and because I couldn't have anyone close to me (26:08) and speak to, it felt so lonely. I had my phone. I could have phoned somebody. (26:14) But it just didn't feel right. All I wanted was actually somebody just to hold me (26:19) while I was going through those pains. What I've started to appreciate is the things that you don't (26:31) notice. It's learning what you say or learning to think before you say something. (26:41) Appreciating the small things. So Sun City, for example. Before my diagnosis, I've been to Sun City so many times. (26:53) The time I went after I was diagnosed, inside that entertainment hall area, I looked up and I was (27:02) overwhelmed by the beautiful ceiling, which I never noticed before. And it's those things that (27:09) kept on coming up that I didn't get to appreciate every moment fully. I noticed that more now as a (27:17) parent with, you know, with a two to three-year-old. I tell her to walk and she'll see some sort of writing (27:25) on the wall and actually wants to deeply inspect this awful graffiti because she sees something (27:31) in it. And it's like, you would walk past this a million times, never even think about it. But now (27:36) I'm here sitting looking at this trying to find the beauty in it. And I guess that's one of those things (27:41) where they say that that's why it's so important to have children. Or that's one of the gifts that (27:47) children give you. It's something that it sounds very familiar to what you're talking about, you know. (27:57) I don't want to kill this, but I do want to make an important note to people watching this (28:02) as a cautionary tale. That takeaway is your health comes first. Your company does not come first. (28:10) The work you're doing does not come first. That comes second. As you said, they will replace you. (28:17) They will find someone else. You hear it time and time again. Someone dies within, you know, (28:25) after they're dead, it takes the following day, they're putting up ads to find new people. (28:30) I really hope people take this as a cautionary tale. That you must take your health and (28:37) prioritize it. Because I think as you've, you could probably attest to, since then you have had (28:46) many projects that have come up that you feel deeply proud about. And now that is just a footnote (28:54) in your journey. But I just want to put that in there. I don't know if we move it forward, (29:00) move it back, but I don't want to forget it because I think that's important. People do. (29:05) What's difficult is that you want this place of normalcy. And at the same time, by you trying to (29:11) hold on to this point of normalcy, you are actually shooting yourself in the foot. (29:15) Yes. If my kids one day face something challenging, and I'm not saying cancer, (29:24) not per se, but anything, that they can look back and see that it's possible to have a fight in you, (29:32) you know, that the person that raised them fought. And I want to encourage them to have that fight (29:42) as well. So then, you know, faced again with that situation, like I'm not sick enough to get (29:50) support. So that angered me a lot, that I was paying towards these policies, thinking that (29:57) Covid F, you and me neither.