“You Have Cancer” Nikitta on Her Thyroid Cancer Journey (Ep 14) Part 1 of 5

When you find an individual that they've got that fight in them that's like I have cancer, I have this illness, but there's no way this is going to win. I'm I'm getting over this. They have largely succeeded. Once it actually set in what he said, all I could actually think about was my two kids. I'm 26 years old and I can't have cancer. I'm also grateful not that I got sick and that I had cancer, but that I went through an experience that actually made me appreciate everything so much more. What's the thing that you've never said publicly because it always felt too raw? Hi, I'm Nikita. I'm a cancer survivor. Well, today we are having a really important guest on the show. Uh this is actually the individual that inspired antioxy and honestly I believe has helped a lot of other people indirectly. Um, and I'm hoping that through having this conversation, we can shed the light on some of the things that I think go on said with having cancer, specifically around family, what it's like with the doctors at work. Um, maybe some even administratively, you know, if it's the finances, if it's the time, the investment, the emotional aspects, but I guess Nikita, for you, what would you say is your goal for doing this with us today? My goal is just education. Learning on, you know, educating yourself enough that you feel empowered enough to ask questions and also to plan things for yourself as opposed to people planning your path for you. Okay. So, you say, are you saying you taking more ownership of your your journey? Definitely. So, I think the best way to start this conversation is to look at what was life like before the diagnosis. You know, I think I've reached I was about 26 at the time, two kids, married, career was going well. I just started my honors as well. Um, so it was an exciting time. Um, and I had fun. It was really a time where I felt like I was accomplished. I was ticking off those boxes that I had envisioned for myself and yeah, that's where I was at. What was your I'm going to get a bit morbid here, but what was your relationship with health at that point? Sure. It wasn't on top of my head. Um, I was blessed with good genes, so I didn't have to exercise. When I exercise, it was for fun. if there was like a a nice, you know, influencer hosting an event um or going to the park to take some nice pictures. That was my my health. Okay. I guess um it wasn't a priority. It was a nice to have to have fun. Um I didn't have to think of it of having to lose weight or that my sugar levels were high or anything like that. Um it wasn't on top of mind for me. I mean, I think about what it was like in your 20s. In your 20s, you you you feel like you have your whole life ahead of you. You know, you envision I mean I if you ask someone in 20s, how long do you think you're going to live? You know, everyone's like 80, 100, whatever it is. You don't you you don't even think about mortality really, you know. Um because you feel like you just started, you just had your two kids. They're still very young. You you've hardly done anything yet, you know? You've just you just finished school. Only been a few years out being an adult. You you you really just getting on the cusp of what life could really offer you. Definitely. You think you know it all though, even 20. Yeah, of course. But you don't know anything. Now 10 years later, uh there's a lot to learn still. Um so what was what was your health like at that time? I think I remember you saying before the event, and when I speak about the event, I mean the day of the diagnosis, you were often getting sick. Take me back to how often would that look like and like what what kind of sickness I was over the month? It was on a monthly basis almost. I was in that doctor's office. Same doctor. Oh, okay. And seeing her regularly and it was often just diagnosed as viral infections or stress related um and also depression and anxiety. So often times either the medication was changed or the dosage strength was changed. Um and the questions that were asked then was okay you've got kids married are you stressed how are you feeling you must be overwhelmed and then immediately I think it's depression um let's look at changing the dosage or increasing the dosage um or seeing a psychologist um that was a valid why why would you say that the initial reaction is it must be psychological because I mean I'm thinking about I I that you know you say whatever happens in your head it manifests in the body. If you're extremely stressed, you don't sleep much, it means fundamentally you have a weaker immune system. Therefore, you become more susceptible to viral infections. But why was that the initial trigger? You know, I wouldn't say it's the easy way out because mental illness is a serious matter and it we can see it all in, you know, the people we know um communities as well. It's becoming more and more. But I feel like it is a easier diagnosis than actually going through a complete checklist of everything else because the envir environment around us actually shapes who we are. Um but it's it's it's such a tough one. I do believe that often times because we have children um especially as a woman having children and working immediately is a stress overload. We are supposed to feel stressed and overwhelmed. And I'm assuming that is why often that's the default of depression, anxiety, having to to deal with mental health issues. Do you feel like this doctor let you down? Yes. And why would you say that? I believe she let me down because she didn't really check everything possible. I think it comes down to your 15 minute slots where they need to really you know I mean 15 minutes not long with the person that's your high and by and quickly you know open your mouth check your eyes your ears how you feeling okay you know it doesn't open up a conversation and it doesn't um I believe that if she went back to the history and really looking through each and every time I was in that room that it doesn't make sense for me to be sick every month. Yeah. With all these different symptoms. Um, and I just wish that other people that are going to, and I don't think it's only her. I I feel like it's an issue in the medical industry. Um, they're not seeing people and and really, you know, it's sort of like a a bookcase. It's it's not looking at the individual and all the gosh I'm trying to get out the words I want to say but I feel that often times we are not being seen as humans sitting in the in the office. It's just like okay I've heard somebody say this three or four times because some doctors have mentioned that to me. Oh, I've seen a lot of patients that are mentioning the same symptoms that you are. Yeah. And then it's immediately bundled up in currently a viral infection that's going around, whatever the case may be. So, this is probably the same just deal with it kind of situation. I think what I struggle with a bit is that you have this individual coming to you. You if it's the same person, you're looking at the report again again again. It's health. Health health is interesting because when you look at an individual holistically, you don't just get sick or very sick. It's like there's a pattern because your your body is this amazing mechanism that it presents you with symptoms. that presents you with these red flags and the the one individual that should be able to find and understand and diagnose the pattern is the doctor. Now I I understand there's there's like short-term mistakes where maybe two or three or four instances but this was a lot longer than just like 4 months. You know this was going on for a long time I guess. Why? Why did you not try to get a second opinion? I trusted my doctor. I honestly trusted her. I liked her as well as a as a person, you know. Um and you would believe if you paying that amount every time you see the doctor and they're giving you that diagnosis, they know what they're doing. The interesting part was on how I was diagnosed. Okay, let's take us there then. Which was me taking my do my daughter to another doctor because my doctor wasn't available and um I found a new um doctor to go to and I was a bit skeptical cuz it's like for a woman changing a doctor is like changing your hairdresser. You you learn to trust that one person. Yeah. Um, and I had no choice. And I took my do my daughter. Um, at the time she had flu, cough, runny nose. And the doctor's like, "I'm going to see it to your daughter, but have you checked out your thyroid?" And that was within the first 2 minutes of entering her room. And I was like, I honestly asked her, "What is a thyroid?" Yeah. I've never heard the word thyroid in my life before. Didn't pay attention maybe in biology um during school. And she's like, "No, I can see there's a bulge in your neck. Have you tested your levels?" And I was so taken back because here I am for my daughter. She's coughing next to me. Um, and I'm in a hurry because I need to get back to work and she's asking me about something related to me that I wasn't there for. And I'm like, "No, you know, I've always had this lump. It's been there for a couple of years. Um, I'm fine. You know, I've seen my doctor." and she asked me, she's like, "Okay, we're going to take your daughter through to the room now, but just have it please checked out." And of course, I didn't have it checked out. And a couple of months later, my other daughter got sick and the original doctor that I saw um wasn't in. Okay. So, default went to the same doctor again and she asked me about it. As soon as I walked into that room, it's like she remembered me and it I mean this was a couple of months um in between and she asked, "Have you seen the doctor? Have you gone for your tests?" Um cuz she actually left me with the script afterwards, you know, that blood form to go check and I never was like, "No, I didn't go." Um but my other daughter is sick. You know this. Yeah. De deal with this. This is why I'm here. Know about me. Exactly. And um yeah, she looked at me and she's like, "Seriously, you need to go have that checked out. Um it it's concerning." So she saw to my daughter and it was crazy when before I left, she said, "If you're not going to go for these blood tests, I would like to call your husband and speak to him about it because I think this could be a serious matter." And I was like, "Okay, wow, this sounds serious. if she's willing to owe that extra step. Um, so I went for the blood tests and the blood tests came back fine. They didn't pick up anything. Good. Yes. Fast forward a few months, my doctor wasn't available again, and this time I was sick. So, I went to go see her. Um, and the doctor said, "You know what? um let me pull up your blood results. She's like, "Okay, this looks fine. Um but I'm not convinced of this. I'm not happy. You need to see ENT." Now, in my mind, I was like ENT are expensive specialist, you know. Um everything's being paid out of pocket. Yeah. It's not Yeah. Exactly. Especially if you have kids, they use up your funds in your legal aid. So, you're trying to budget for yourself. and she actually made an appointment while I was sitting in her office. And she's like, "Please just do me this favor. Just go to this ENT for the appointment just not only for your sake, but for my peace of mind that I know everything is okay." And yeah, I decided to go for that appointment and that's how I found out. Well, so the ENT is the ear ear, nose, and throat doctor specialists. So this lump I mean I'm trying to play I'm trying to go back to this time because we obviously know each other for a very long time. I don't specifically remember there being a very prominent lump in your neck. Was it prominent? Do you do you remember it being prominent? I don't. I got so used to it. But some people did pick it up especially my girls. Okay. They would they're like, "Oh, but only dads are supposed to have this lamp." Oh, cuz we called the Adams apple. Yes. And then I joked I'm like, "I'm special. I also have one, right? Um, but I actually and I tried to think of it this the other day. I can't recall when it actually started forming or growing. So, this lump was forming. Why did you not get a tractor earlier? What what made you think that this is just fine? It wasn't painful. It It didn't cause any discomfort or it wasn't at too big that it made me self-conscious also. So, I just left it. Yeah. Is that not a tell sign that if you have a lump and it's not painful, this could be a problem. No, I thought that if there's a lump and it's painful, that was a problem. That was my misconception. Okay, that's good to know though because I think there are people out there who don't know that. And like you said, that's another one of the things, you know, the body uses pain as a signal or to let you know something is wrong. And that's the problem with cancer. your body doesn't automatically blood test came back fine. You know, that's usually a very good marker. But even as you're sitting here or evidence that not not all blood tests show up as uh you know she has cancer or he has cancer. Um I'm actually really impressed about this doctor. I mean I'm I'm very thankful that the other one was not available a few times. Yes. enough times I guess do you Nikita sitting here today what would you tell that younger version of yourself the first time you heard this diagnosis like are you angry at her that she didn't get this thing checked out properly at that time the very first time she knew about it I never thought of how I felt towards the doctor um actually up until now I've forgotten about Yeah, I'm with the second doctor. I still see her. I don't go to anyone else. I trust her with my life. I say, "Yeah, literally." Um, I think what I would tell myself is Nikita should have listened to her body and ask questions as well. Um, I put all my trust in somebody that didn't know me, didn't know my history, and I was too busy focusing on everyone else around me instead of actually having myself checked out. You your story has is something that I share with a lot of people, but mainly the biggest lesson I learned from you, which is every person in this world has at least one thing wrong with them. I have yet to meet anyone that doesn't have does have something wrong with them. If you when you do know what that is, it is your responsibility to become an expert in that thing because no one has a relationship to that condition as close to it as you do. Right? And it made me look at how I have my asthma differently. I wasn't handling it. you know, like you you put your faith in a specialist, they told you something, you do what they do, and you know, you go on with your life until, you know, I had to get carried off a a train in London for an asthma attack and you start thinking, hold on, maybe I need to take a bit closer to that could have been too late actually cuz most times asthma attacks, they don't end in me being able to still make it to the hospital. But that that is a big lesson that I learned that you do need to take ownership of this and you need to be an expert in it because only you um have this relationship to your condition and like you said people could lead you astray. They could be wrong or they just don't care you know you're just a number. Yes. but also for yourself. I think often times we will have a symptom and then we disregard it's something small like you know you've got an ongoing headache for a few weeks. It's stress. I'm not sleeping well. It's because I'm not drinking enough water. But often times that small symptom is actually a major factor that you need to have checked out because your body tells a story. I think we often forget that our bodies speak to us and we don't listen or we learned to not listen because we're so used to taking a um I don't want to use brand names painkiller. Thank you. So you've become so attuned to trying to drown out the noise that you know you don't learn to listen to your body when you have to. True. It's very true. So I'm so I'm taking I'm listening you and it's hearing that you aren't upset with the young Nikita who was told to get this tracked up properly. I'm not upset with her because she was vulnerable and she didn't learn to nobody taught her um to take things serious in in you know in that case I mean if I look at my family at that time there weren't any serious health issues that we we lived through I mean the only person at that time that I witnessed that I knew was very sick and that had passed away was my grandfather father, but nobody else in the family was ever close that had serious health issues or shared them. Actually learned later on that um you know we have family members that are battling, but it was never a discussion growing up. Um it was just always a thing. you have to eat healthy, you have to exercise, which is good life lessons, but not explaining what the importance of it is, what it actually does for you, especially in the long term. And and that's why I don't think I can ever be upset. I think it's it's been a a journey of self-discovery. Were you were you at all in denial? 100%. I still remember the second time the doctor told me I need to go have it checked out. I was actually a bit annoyed cuz I'm like I don't have time for this. I don't have time to waste money. I don't have time to take time off work cuz that's also money. Um and there was a part of me actually that was scared that there was something. I wasn't sure what it was. Um because the doctor never mentioned anything about cancer it potentially being cancer. She just mentioned thyroid and to have it checked out and and that was it. Um and in my mind I was a bit scared as well to be okay if there is something wrong how would it change everything especially because things were so so good right? Yeah. the denial part. Denial is a difficult one because you're not alone. I just I mean, how many people do you know that have have an issue um and they just refuse to get it checked because really what they're afraid of is is now having a label to the situation, making that real up until the time they actually get it checked, up until the time they actually get a formal diagnosis. And this doesn't just need to be medical. up until that time it's not real yet. You know, even if it is objectively already a problem, it's not real to you yet because it hasn't been diagnosed and thus it's not a part of your life yet. That's difficult because that has a host of psychological drivers that drive that decision. Um honestly the only thing I can say that's encouraging is that the only you know just the better 100% that is for all things that is not just health related you know but I want to I want to go back to that moment where you finally went to the ENT what test did he do and what was he like what was that day I actually haven't thought about this day since now to be honest. Um so they took um they did a fine needle extraction. I think it's called the FNL. Um but the doctor didn't perform it. I went to sort of where they do the the scans. Um, and then I was called into his office. Um, I think it was a week later and um, he was a funny doctor. That's what I remember about him. He loved cracking jokes. Uh, from the time I entered his room, sit sitting down, you know, exchanging how old I am, where I come from, how many kids I have, everything he sort of made. And yes, it was actually really lovely. tell me your dream was. Oh, but now the problem was when he looked at the scans and he's like, "Okay, um, I have to tell you that you have cancer." I started laughing because I thought this was one of his jokes. And I think he was a bit taken back that I'm laughing and maybe he thought that was my coping mechanism at that time, but I didn't take him serious cuz I really expected it to be another joke. Yeah. And he then repeated himself. He's like, "I'm so sorry to tell you, but you've got cancer. It's currently looking like stage two, but you are nearing stage three." And um you know, and all I remember that time, I think I went numb and I asked him to repeat it again. I was like, "What do you mean?" Like, "Please tell me again. And uh I think for me the worst thing that was said to me and as much as he was a lovely doctor, he said, "If there's one thing I can tell you, it's the best type of cancer to have." And I burst out crying. I was sobbing in his office. I got up and I left. Like you made mid conversation. Made conversation. I couldn't because it felt like a smack to my face. you're just diagnosing me, but you're telling me, "But don't worry, it's not bad enough. Like, it's just a small type of cancer." And here at that moment, once it actually set in what he said after the laughing episode I had, it became so serious and I was trying to process it. And I think in my mind, all I could actually think about was my two kids. I'm like, I'm 26 years old and I've got two kids. I can't have cancer. Like, this is a old pe person's, you know, that was my um misconception. And I left the the office. I remember just going to the reception and I'd still told my husband before this appointment, don't come with me because you're working like it's just going to waste our time for both of us to take off work. Um, and I'll I'll give you a phone call once I see the doctor. I wish I wouldn't have done that. I I don't remember driving home. I actually the days after that are a blur to me. Um, all I know is it took me almost two weeks to tell my my girls. I just didn't know how to process. Yeah. Those those days are blow for me. On the way to the doctor entere were you just fully this is not a thing. Nothing going to happen. It's completely fine. There was no intuition about your potential. Like do you do you feel like this was a complete gobsmack? You know like you were completely blindsided. I in my wildest dreams I didn't expect it to be cancer. I really thought it was just a viral infection again or something that antibiotics could solve. Um never did I think that this was actually something serious ever. So the first thing that went through your mind was your children. How when did you tell your husband? I think it was on the drive back. You called him. You got Do you remember getting home that day and what it was like? No, none of that. And do you by any chance remember some of these internal monologues you've had over those two weeks where I know it was quite blacked out but you know coming to the realization of how you're going to tell this to your two daughters. That was the biggest challenge I had. I just didn't know how to tell them. And it has a lot to do with the negativity around the word the C word. I've even seen movies and series, you know, where when cancer comes up, it's always seen in such a negative light. And it is, don't get me wrong, it is not a nice thing. Um, and I've met so many warriors with different types of cancers. Um what you do see is that fight in them, the appreciation of of life and and you know conversations that you have with them of what mattered before doesn't matter any more and and there's other things that matter now. And I think um I was worried about that with the girls is as soon as I tell them that that they're going to think I'm dying. I didn't know at this point if I'm dying or not, it's fine. I knew the doctor said that's best type of cancer to but I didn't know what it meant. I couldn't get myself to Google it as well. At that time we didn't have cha it so I couldn't go. Uh but I just couldn't get myself to Google because I was just too scared of what it would tell me. Uh something that really helped was during that time though uh having family come and fetch the girls. I didn't know how to act normal around them. Um I just yeah I just recall that being around them made me very emotional and um yeah so the family was really great fetching them for sleepovers, taking them out. Why do you say it was so emotional? I felt so guilty. Here I am almost stage three. I mean cancer it depends what type of cancer you have. Um but with thyroid it actually takes a while and a part of me was guilty because I had this lump for a while and I didn't take it seriously. I didn't take my doctor that you know said I needed to go seriously. But also because they were so young, I just, you know, leaving behind two kids, I didn't set them up for the future yet. I was still studying, you know, didn't make enough money to support their future if I was going to go. And that just all that scared me. It it really scared me that I wasn't set up in life enough. And also didn't have enough memories. There were so many things, you know, you want to accomplish with your children. Um, go to Disney World. Um, their first boyfriend, their Exactly. first prom. Um, seeing them walk down the aisle on um the first time they tried to drive a car. It's all of those memories that actually come up when you you worry that you're going to miss out on on that.